Music Credits

When You’re Older – Jenny Mayhem

These Dreams – Heart

Make Your Own Kind Of Music – Mama Cass Elliot

Eternal Flame – The Bangles

Touch The Sky – Julie Fowlis

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Music:
“Lupin Thief” by Theeinferno

1.) The undercover cop profiles/identifies the criminals the same way…

In Point Break, the idea that a group of intelligent, organized bank robbers are a group of grungy surfer-dudes is completely ridiculous…until FBI Special Agent Johnny Utah puts together (with the help of Gary Busey) that the robbers have tan lines, leave traces of “Sex Wax,” a popular surf-related product, and hair samples left at the crime scene have traces of disgusting Southern California ocean waste.

Based off all this circumstantial, thin, over-reaching information, Utah manages to meet the exact same men robbing all these banks within a couple weeks.

In The Fast and the Furious, LAPD officer Brian O’Conner (with help from Ted Levine) puts together that the intelligent, organized group of hijackers stealing truckloads of DVD players (back when DVD players were like $600) are into street racing and import/tuner cars. Brian and his superiors are convinced of this because the hijack cars are ’92-’95 Honda Civics, and they all have green neon lights installed in the undercarriage, like douchebags. Okay, it’s not a huge leap that these jokers are into that pathetic subculture of automotive peacocking.

Based off all this circumstantial, thin, over-reaching information, however, Brian manages to meet the exact same folks attacking and stealing all those cargo loads within several days.

2.) Both undercover cops use a false identity that is partially based on their true identity.

Special Agent Johnny Utah is a former college football star from Ohio, who after injuring himself in his final game pursued a law degree and a future in the FBI. Under his false identity, Johnny becomes friends with the surfers as…Johnny Utah, a former college football star, who after injuring himself in his final game pursued a law degree and a future in…working at a bank. He also lied to his love interest, Tyler, that his parents were killed in a car wreck. So, a blend of lies and truth.

Officer Brian O’Conner (as we find out in sequels, I’ll grant) is a former hell-raiser who grew up boosting cars and competing them in Barstow’s demolition derbies. Under his false identity as Brian Spilman, he becomes friends with the racers as a former hell-raiser who spent a few years in prison for boosting cars in Arizona. So, a blend of lies and truth.

3.) Both undercover cops pursue their romantic interest by ordering food.

Johnny Utah doggedly harasses Tyler into teaching him to surf. Her refusals and his persistence reach their apex when he follows her to work and orders food from her. After explaining why he must learn to surf (some combination of “my parents died” and “I’m from Ohio and I’ve never seen the ocean”), Tyler relents and Johnny starts his journey into the world of criminals and extreme sports.

Brian O’Conner shows up to Dominic Toretto’s auto shop/grocery/deli (I’m guessing here) on a regular basis bordering on the obsessive. Upon his every visit, he orders a sandwich and flirts with Dom’s sister Mia. Even when Dom’s childhood friend and enforcer Vincent threatens Brian, he insists on staying and finishing his meal.

4.) Speaking of meals, both undercover cops eat the exact same meal…twice.

Johnny Utah’s meal choice while badgering Tyler about surfing lessons is a shrimp basket. She decides to make it a “to-go” order in order to get rid of him. Later in the movie, while on a stakeout, Utah is sent to a sandwich shop nearby to fetch Gary Busey two meatball subs. While there, Johnny orders himself a tuna sandwich.

Obviously the order is “to-go” again here, since he has to get back to the car.

Brian’s constant visits to Toretto’s shop are always accompanied by him ordering a tuna sandwich. Despite Vincent’s insistence that no one likes the tuna served at Toretto’s, Brian always orders this same sandwich from Mia. Naturally, his order is “for here,” since he needs to case the joint and flirt with his violent suspect’s sister. Later in the movie, Brian and Dom take the newly-fixed Toyota Supra for a spin and stop for a beer and a bite. During their conversation at the restaurant, Brian is eating a basket of shrimp. Which he then makes a conspicuous reference to. Naturally, there’s no food allowed in Dom’s new car, so this meal is “for here.”

So, the only dietary difference between Utah and O’Conner appears to be where they eat. This wouldn’t be so weird if we didn’t get explicit dialogue in both movies referencing the same two meals.

5.) Both criminal leaders foster a much younger enthusiast, who is killed by gunfire.

Over the course of Point Break, we meet the surfing honcho Bodhi and his band of miscreants. Among them is a much younger fellow dubbed “Grommet” by his role model. Due to unforeseen consequences of bank robbing, Grommet is blown away by an off-duty cop during the final robbery. An emotional Bodhi pleads for his “little brother” to live, but he doesn’t. I guess them’s the breaks when it comes to surf-skydive-robbery.

Over the course of The Fast and the Furious, we also meet Dom Toretto and his band of miscreants. Among them is a much younger fellow named Jesse, who is dubbed “the Mad Scientist” by his role model Dom. Jesse is a brilliant mind hindered by ADD and a troubled past. Due to unforeseen consequences of illegal auto racing (and welching on a pink-slip bet), Jesse is mercilessly gunned down by the Little Saigon gang. I guess them’s the breaks when it comes to race-hijacking-being-in-a-total-ripoff-movie.

6.) Both undercover cops divert their investigation away from their criminal friends, and toward a much more violent gang of criminals.

Johnny Utah becomes friends with Bodhi and has a hard time believing his philosophical, peaceful, goofball surfer buddy could be a violent criminal. So he diverts the investigation toward a group of aggressive local surfers who he recently fought with Bodhi. As it turned out, the much more violent surfers were definitely criminals…just not the criminals Johnny was investigating.

Brian O’Conner becomes friends with Dom Toretto and has a hard time believing his family-oriented, level-headed, sarcastic racer buddy could be a violent criminal (despite Dom’s criminal record, involving a violent attack). So he diverts the investigation toward a group of aggressive Vietnamese racers who he recently was shot at with Dom. As it turned out, the much more violent Little Saigon gangsters were definitely criminals…just not the criminals Brian was investigating.

7.) Both undercover operatives participate in the “bust” despite still being undercover.

When Johnny Utah and his partner Pappas decide to arrest the violent local surfers, Johnny participates in the FBI’s tactical surrounding and entry of the house. This would never happen in reality, as Johnny would not be allowed to blow his cover and identify himself as law enforcement until long after the arrests…possibly not until trial. It’s like, he’s voiding his undercover warranty.

When Brian O’Conner and his superiors decide to arrest Johnny Tran, Brian participates in the SWAT team’s tactical surrounding and entry of the house. This would never happen in reality, as Brian would not be allowed to blow his cover and identify himself as law enforcement until long after the arrests. Sure, Brian is at least clad in SWAT gear with his face obscured, but realistically he would not be present during an arrest, particularly if he would be testifying against the suspect in court. Just from a logistical standpoint, imagine if he were injured or killed during the arrest. Then who would testify?

8.) Both undercover cops first blow their cover to the romantic interest. And both state their position in a concrete, point blank statement.

Johnny Utah is confronted by Tyler about his lies and his undercover work. Later, an exasperated Johnny tells Bodhi flat-out, “This is your wake-up call. I am…an F-B-I…agent!” This starts the third act of the movie down a fast-paced, violent path that ends with the cop and the criminal facing off in a dangerous and extreme skydive.

Brian O’Conner confronts Mia about her brother’s lies and criminal activity. When she insists that Brian stay out of it, he responds flat-out to her, “Listen, Mia. I’m a cop.” This starts the third act of the movie down a fast-paced, violent path that ends with the cop and the criminal facing off in a dangerous and extreme drag race.

9.) Both extreme-sporty criminals cite adrenaline as their philosophy/motivation.

Bodhi, the surfing guru who robs banks in a Ronald Reagan mask, is very particular about how he sees the world. He claims the robberies are “never about the money, this was about us against the system. That system that kills the human spirit. We stand for something.” Also, the money goes to financing his surfing around the world and expensive skydiving expeditions.

Adrenaline is Bodhi’s religion, as he is adamant that “If you want the ultimate, you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It’s not tragic to die doing what you love.” This is a bit of foreshadowing, as Bodhi eventually does die pursuing “the ultimate wave.”

Dom Toretto is also very particular about how he lives his life. The street racer who hijacks trucks says regarding racing, “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.” Adrenaline is Dom’s religion, you see. And this is…also a bit of foreshadowing. As Dom races a quarter-mile drag against Brian and in the end is given his freedom from pursuit.

CONCLUSIONS:

Well, duh. The Fast and the Furious is a really obvious rip-off of Point Break. But we all knew that. The real interest here is in the small details. Why are so many small things the same? Small things that don’t even affect the plot, or the characters? Is it possible that we could use the heavy word plagiarism here? Or is this a Tarantino-style homage?

A better question is, who wrote these two different movies, and have they ever crossed paths? We’ll take a look, because we can conclude that someone paid too much attention to the tiniest of details of Point Break, and they found their way into The Fast and the Furious.

PRIME SUSPECTS:

Well, Point Break was written by W. Peter Iliff, with story credit going to Rick King.

Iliff wrote the screenplays for Varsity Blues, a decent enough high school football drama, and Patriot Games, certainly not the worst Jack Ryan movie. Dude seems pretty competent. He even has some directing credits.

Rick King seems to come from documentary territory. I was unable to recognize a single credit under his name, except Point Break itself and Kickboxer 3: The Art of War, which he directed but did not write. Hmm. This man is a cipher. Seriously, look at Rick King’s IMDb page and tell me about him. I challenge you. But hey, if Kathryn Bigelow gave him credit for the story of Point Break, you listen to her.

As for The Fast and the Furious, predictably the writing credits list four people. One is Ken Li, who evidently wrote a magazine article that somehow contributed to the movie. I’m betting it was an article on illegal street racing. Probably not on “How to Bone a Violent Criminal’s Sister While Inexplicably Producing Two Cars You Couldn’t Possibly Afford.”

Erik Bergquist is given a screenplay credit. And to my surprise, it is the only thing on his IMDb page. And by that I mean the only thing at all. No picture, no bio, no additional credits at all, not even a flame-war in progress in the message boards. Nothing. You know, I think Vin Diesel may have murdered this poor man.

We also have David Ayer listed for screenplay, and HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS GUY’S PICTURE! He is without a doubt the scariest screenwriter I’ve ever seen. And I immediately recognized his name, as it is commonly bandied about when people tell me how amazing they thought Training Day was. Me personally? I thought, “Eh.” Ayers also wrote the scripts for S.W.A.T. and U-571, two more “eh” movies. Well, we have the guy who injected supposed badassery into The Fast and the Furious, but we still don’t have our die-hard fan of Point Break, I don’t think. This guy seems like he would consider himself above that movie.

Gary Scott Thompson is listed for both screenplay duty and “screen story.” What the hell does that mean? What’s the difference between story and screen story? Oh, well this guy has a track record. He’s the writer/producer behind the show “Las Vegas” with Josh Duhamel as well as the 2008 “Knight Rider” remake that lasted about a week. He’s also responsible for the terrible Al Pacino movie 88 Minutes and he has story credits for Hollow Man.

Wait…Hollow Man is essentially H.G. Wells’ “Invisible Man” story with slick ‘90s horror built in. 88 Minutes is a bandwagon jump on the whole “takes place in real time” gimmick, done much better in Phone Booth four years previous. This guy recycles shit, he puts style before substance…this is probably our guy.

Well, mystery solved. We didn’t save any lives, but neither of these movies is a travesty. So…hey college readers! Here’s a paper!

Music Credits

When You’re Older – Jenny Mayhem

Going Up – Infant Sorrow

Long Hot Summer – Sara Watkins

You’ve Got The Touch – Stan Bush

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin – Colin Hay

Music Credits

When You’re Older – Jenny Mayhem

Prophets – A.C. Newman

Get Happy – Hugh Laurie & Lisa Edelstein

Star Wars Cantina Beat – Elephaders

I Got A Name – Jim Croce

Flying Dreams – Paul Williams

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Music:
“Wily’s Bubble Bath” by TheGuitahHeroe

Doing the Cinema Autopsy on Battlefield Earth…I feel like I’ve been asked to perform JFK’s autopsy. Let’s be professional, let’s be clinical. Let’s take in all the facts. I recommend that you read my report in short bursts if you’re faint at heart. This is going to read like the most violent Cormac McCarthy novel, only…you know. Without the literary prowess.

SYNOPSIS:

I won’t false-advertise by calling this synopsis “brief.” Let’s start with some much-needed background info for anybody who’s been asleep the last few decades. Battlefield Earth, our movie-victim, is an adaptation of the first 400-odd pages of a dreadful 1,000-page sci-fi novel from the early 1980’s. The novel was written by America’s Rasputin, L. Ron Hubbard, before he became a cult leader and tax-dodger and patent thief. The endless tome of crazy boils down to this: Psychologists are evil pricks who only want your money…in spaaaace!

While several attempts to adapt Hubbard’s meandering, heavy-handed pulp as a film were wisely jettisoned, this one came about because of a certain actor. A certain actor who was very popular in the 70’s and 80’s, until he started doing talking-baby flicks. Then Quentin Tarantino got him to be in a movie for very little money, and it happened to make him a huge star again. The result: this “epic” vanity project. That guy’s name…is Vinny Barbarino.

On with the surface examination.

Movie starts with a Star Wars-style text crawl (picture if a resourceful seventh-grader did it on Windows MovieMaker) that lets us know the Earth was invaded and conquered by a race of aliens called “Psychlos.” They wanted Earth because they are after…gold. Which is described as “the rarest and most valuable metal of all.” Oh, God. My nephews have given me better reasons for an alien invasion. They are 7 and 11 years old. Oh, the crawl also lets us know that the human race is on the verge of extinction.

This is important, clearly. Because right after the crawl, we get some snow-capped mountains and a little green caption that states, “Man is an endangered species.” Yeah. We knew that. Because your Star Wars exposition text just said that.

Everything that I describe from here on out, just mentally add “through an oppressive color filter, low lighting, in slow-motion, with a score that would make Hans Zimmer say, ‘HOLY SHIT WILL YOU TONE DOWN THE OMINOUS PERCUSSION?!’” Mostly, remember that every single shot in this movie is at a 45-degree or “Dutch” angle.

So our movie centers on Barry Pepper, who plays a primitive tribe-like human with chimp-like mannerisms…at a 45-degree angle. I’ll keep referring to Barry Pepper’s character as “Barry” because they don’t introduce him by name until almost an hour in. Although I see on the DVD cover that his name is supposed to be “Johnnie ‘Goodboy’ Tyler.” Sounds like the name of the ‘50s greaser who beat the shit out of L. Ron Hubbard during his formative years. He’s a wild spirit, a rebellious soul, a “greener,” which is Altered-Future-Language-Slang™ meaning he’s our Luke Skywalker who is about to be propelled from his simple life of hunting and gathering into a vast sci-fi world of technology and intrigue…at a 45-degree angle. He sets out from the bounds of his tribe (leaving behind his saccharine girlfriend “Chrissy”…seriously, it’s like a fanfic written by a pissed off kid who tried to burn down the gymnasium) to find answers and meet his sidekicks, including Kim Coates from “Sons of Anarchy” whose catchphrase shall be “pieceofcake,” all one word. Together they are captured by the alien overlords, the Psychlos…at a 45-degree angle.

Psychlos are ten-foot-tall greasy used-car salesmen with “Portlandia”-type white guy dreadlocks, evil goatees, long claws, cat eyes, and they all dress like they’re on their way to a Korn concert, including Hot Topic platform motorcycle boots. These boots are to hide stilts, of course. Because forced perspective and CGI compositing is for good movies. They also speak an alien language (a laborious plot device that adds even more confusion).

Barry comes face to face with Terl and Ker, Psychlos played by John Travolta and Forest Whitaker. Through the movie, they spout off like corporate stooges about profit margins, the “Home Office,” and the precious academy that they all go through. First impression about Travolta as Terl: why is he attempting a Colonial British accent? Terl is the head Psychlo on Earth, and wants to be transferred elsewhere because Earth is evidently a shit-hole for Psychlos. So he devises a plan to use human slave labor to mine for gold…at a 45-degree angle. Remember? Gold is the rarest and most valuable of all metals. Because a child wrote this. The idea is that he’ll use the gold to buy his way into a promotion off Earth, and he’ll cut costs and keep the caper secret by using “man-animals” (more Altered-Future-Language-Slang™) illegally.

A word regarding this plot: the idea of gaining “leverage” on someone is the closest thing to a theme one can pluck from this corporate-espionage-trade-dispute-contract-renewal bullshit. Terl gains leverage on Ker to use him as a patsy in case their bosses find out. Then they devise a way to get leverage on Barry so he’ll mine their gold. Then, Barry brings it full circle by getting leverage on the Psychlos. The word “leverage” is used at least fifteen times during this.

So in order to get “leverage” on the “man-animals,” Terl lets Barry the “greener” loose in an effort to find out what humans like to eat, so he can train them to mine for gold using the positive reinforcement of treats. That’s…so fucking stupid. And he manages to misinterpret Barry’s desperate attempt to ward off starvation, so Terl assumes humans love eating raw rats. Hence the worst catchphrase in a long river of bad catchphrases: Terl will now mockingly refer to Barry as “rat-brain.” It is at this point, when Barry is about to be re-captured by the Psychlos, that he is actually referred to as Johnnie for the first time.

So the second half of the movie involves training cavemen to use heavy machinery, then setting them loose without any supervision so they can mine. Because their badass Matrix machine instantly teaches Barry the Psychlo language, Psychlo history, advanced calculus and geometry, engineering, and “artistic composition,” suddenly Terl starts vastly underestimating his slaves, who are now lead by a guy who knows fucking everything ever. These are the same asshole aliens who beat us in a war that supposedly lasted nine minutes. Sure, the idea that a war would last nine minutes sounds childishly stupid…at a 45-degree angle.

While Terl pulls some blackmail—excuse me, “leverage”—on his boss (whose name is “Planet-Ship” BTW), Barry learns to fly a hover-ship and mine gold and stuff. Eventually, Barry tries to stage a coup in Terl’s office that blows up in his face…at a 45-degree angle. At another 45-degree angle, Terl blackmails—shit, sorry—“leverages” the life of Chrissy, the girlfriend character, in exchange for the cave-douches as mining labor. This is a sci-fi action movie, right? Because there’s a frightening amount of corporate-fiscal-kickback-Wall-Street-intrigue stuff in here. Not much on action or sci-fi.

When Barry and Kim Coates lead the mining team unsupervised, they form a plan to rob Fort Knox of all the gold there, give that to Terl, and spend their mining time learning to fly Harrier jets and dismantle nuclear warheads. That may not sound credible, since these guys were grunting and afraid of putt-putt golf course decorations last week. It may also sound silly when you consider that the Harriers and warheads have been sitting idle for literally a thousand years. But it’s happening nonetheless. Barry’s plan goes like this: Psychlos can’t take radiation. It messes with their special purple breathing gas. So our crew of heroes will stage a human revolt to get all the Psychlos into their big purple gas dome. Then they blow the dome up and all the Psychlos suffocate. Then they use the Psychlo’s transporter room to energize a nuke to planet Psychlo and detonate it, radiating the whole planet’s atmosphere. At a 45-degree angle, no less!

Before Earth can become the battlefield that we were promised, however, there are two consecutive scenes where someone tries to gain “leverage” on someone else. First Barry gets leverage on Ker, then Ker gets leverage on Terl. Then Terl reveals that Ker doesn’t have leverage. He messed up the leverage, or something. So he literally blows Ker’s hand off. I guess the leverage is on the other hand-stump now, eh Ker? Um…leverage. When I’m done with this synopsis, I’m going to watch that delightful show called “Leverage.” At a 45-degree angle.

Oh, dear god. This movie has driven the worms too far into my brain, hasn’t it?

All that pointless shit out of the way, we finally get our big action sequence which consists mainly of Barry Pepper running in super-slow-motion through flying debris and Kim Coates firing missiles at hover-ships. It’s all done in blue, green, or purple filters too. At a 45-degree angle. This is followed by a Death Star trench-run dogfight between Psychlo hover-ships and Harrier jets. Then Kim Coates dies heroically in the dome explosion.

The tide turns, Barry Pepper blows Terl’s arm off, and some cave-douche named Mickey is transported to planet Psychlo with a nuke. He detonates it, which causes the entire planet to be engulfed in flames. Back on Earth, Terl has been locked away in his own personal prison cell, Fort Knox. Surrounded in gold, he is told that he will remain a live prisoner for the rest of his days…as leverage. In case any other Psychlos show up looking for retribution. Oh, and Ker is now working for Barry. Because…leverage.

And that’s the end…at a 45-degree angle.

EXAMINATION:

I was promised nothing but pain in my attempt to watch this movie. And while this movie failed to deliver on anything it intended, the pain that I was promised did come.

While I normally dive into the script first, I obviously have a bigger problem with the cinematography/editing/technical filmmaking on display here. Now, I didn’t go to film school. I am not a professional filmmaker. I’m not even a professional audience member (also known as critics). I’m just your average movie nerd who happens to make harmless short videos on the web. But I’ll drop a little motion picture education here: camera angles, color filters, and time-distortion are all meant to change the impact of a shot or scene on the audience. These elements of visual storytelling lose all impact if they are used for every shot of a two-hour movie. Just like my “…at a 45-degree angle” joke during the synopsis, sane people stop reacting after they see it many times. Sane people stop noticing if they see it enough.

And as if the disgusting student-film photography weren’t enough, someone clearly went to the children’s television school of editing and transitions. Middle wipes are everywhere, like someone fell asleep on the keyboard. Establishing shots show up to establish…nothing. It’s like George Lucas got ahold of Final Cut Pro and decided to empty the transition folder into his timeline.

This lack of filmmaking skill at least makes the movie hysterical to watch if intoxicated. But it is still essentially the lazy, inadequate wrapping of an insane and inappropriate gift. Picture if someone gave you a gift, and it turned out to be a severed foot jauntily decorated with sparklies and stickers. Fucked up, indeed. But also picture that this nutcase had the audacity to wrap said insane gift in the comic-strip pages of the newspaper. That is Battlefield Earth.

Clearly, as an adaptation of a shitty sci-fi novel (from a decade where 80% of science fiction was total shit) this script didn’t have much of a chance. I’m told that it’s as faithful to the source material as much as human decency is willing to endure. This includes the awful dialogue, the childlike plot devices of gold and learning machines and thousand-year-old jet fuel, and the mid-twentieth century self-righteous allegory that’s about as subtle as a machine gun. Those things really contribute to how awful this experience was, but that has less to say about screenwriter J.D. Shapiro, and more to say about his impossible task. From what I understand, the other screenwriter credit went to Corey Mandell for his pruning of Shapiro’s script to conform it to the Hubbard-Travolta vision. So, I should explore the possibility that Corey Mandell is a code-name for a secret screenwriting robot in the basement of the Scientologist Celebrity Center (yep, they sure do call it that) in Los Angeles.

We should maybe talk about the acting here, huh? Since the movie really wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the A-list actor who spearheaded it, we should take time to examine what he did with his big shot at this material. As for Barry Pepper, Kim Coates, the Quest for Fire dudes, and even Planet-Ship (that name still kills me), they get a pass on this one. But Travolta himself…there’s the Colonial British accent, the general gnawing of all the scenery (including wild Pacino/Sam Jackson/Nicholas Cage scream-acting and MUHUHUHAHAHA! Maniacal laughs) and then there’s even his quiet moments where he should be reacting to something. Instead, he glowers and sneers as if he smelled a raunchy fart and is trying to pinpoint the culprit. It really is the undisputed worst performance of his career, which is puzzling. After all, he knows this material cover-to-cover as far as I understand.

Don’t get me wrong, it must be hard to act through the worst dialogue, the most ridiculous plot, and the dumbest makeup/costume combo since effing Zardoz. But Forest Whitaker managed to put in his time and play the collective character of a Psychlo (an amalgamation of racist stereotypes, greedy ‘80s businessman tropes, and evil-for-the-sake-of-evil motivations) without resorting to quite as much shameless high school theatre choices.

But really, the whole project seems to ooze an amateur, penny-pinching sensibility. The stilts/goth-boots thing is a very revealing snippet of an entire movie that wants to look expensive, but ultimately doesn’t. The effects are bad. The scenery and props are bad (a rubber rat appears several times in Barry Pepper’s mouth, the laser-pistols look like super-soakers, etc.). The same way Wild Wild West looks so obscenely and needlessly expensive, Battlefield Earth looks so obscenely and needlessly cheap. Maybe if it didn’t feel like such a shit-show during production it wouldn’t have been released as one.

Matter of fact, what was the budget for this steaming pile? I’m seeing many conflicting reports, some of which are listing $44 million, some said $73 million to $75 million. That’s a wide margin of error. Oh, and I’m reading somewhere else that Travolta put in his own $800,000 for production. That’s nearly another million dollars, for Pete’s sake! What’s going on here?

Oh, I see. Evidently, Franchise Pictures reported a $75 million budget and someone pocketed $31 million of that, leaving a real budget of $43-44 million. They were hit with a lawsuit by their European distributers for fraud in 2004, but they did manage to beat the RICO charges (that’s the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations statute for you non-“Sons of Anarchy” fans). Well…I guess we have a smoking gun in our midst.

A Total Lack of Filmmaking Ability- Either a complete dunce was in charge of capable people or the entire senior production crew just graduated from a Learning Annex class on film appreciation. Either way the editing, cinematography, lighting, sound…essentially all aspects of technical filmmaking are abused and misunderstood, making for an incompetent production.

A Script Adapted from Immature Dreck- While the screenplay is one of the worst I’ve ever encountered, I have on good authority that it has more to do with the inherently bad science fiction source material than with the screenwriters’ attempt to translate it. After all, would you blame a Unibomber manifesto on the guys that proofread it and tried to interpret it, or the spacey bearded fellow who shouted it word-for-word to his followers who transcribed all 1,000 pages in crayon? Or would you blame the over-indulgent famous person who insisted this be made into a film in the first place?

Hammy, Egocentric Lead Actor Leading Production- Speak of the devil…an ego-driven project like this only goes as far as the famous oddball’s obsession does. That kind of conclusively proves that Travolta’s love for a terrible book is a large reason why a terrible movie was made. His over-the-top, living-cartoon performance certainly didn’t help either. When everyone looks back at this film now, they only ever remember Travolta’s awful performance. They never remember Barry Pepper’s slightly stilted one (or even his name). But all in all, we can’t blame the movie’s inherent lack of quality on John Travolta wanting to make it. After all, plenty of people could have said no. And even still, plenty of people could have taken the creative steering wheel away from him and tried to salvage it.

Shady Production Company Skimming Funds and Not Caring- When you hire a bad director, you run the risk of getting a bad movie. When you throw investors’ money at a kooky actor and tell him he can have whatever he wants, you run a large risk of getting a really crap movie. When you do both of those things and also skim half of the budget into your own pocket, you are guaranteeing a catastrophe.

Cause of Death: Shady Production Company Skimming Funds and Not Caring

CONCLUSIONS:

The ungodly revelation of Franchise Pictures dipping into the kitty and backstabbing investors kind of makes the convoluted business plots of Battlefield Earth that much funnier.

So, if we put all the contributing factors in order we start to see where the point of no return resides. John Travolta had suddenly risen back to the A-list in the mid-1990s, and decided that now was the time to use his pull to get one of his favorite novels produced (or he was pressured into doing so by the subtle threats of a smiley, duplicitous corrupt organization trying to racketeer its way into media enterprises, but I have no solid evidence of RICO here either). Driven to make a big splash as a producer and creative mind behind a new sci-fi franchise, Travolta went looking for investors and instead was rebuffed. After all, no one wants to be on record as contributing to a movie that sounds a lot like a recruitment film for a creepy belief system that involves aliens, mind control, ghosts, volcanoes, etc.

Amid all the “no thanks” that Travolta got, he did get allies in Franchise Pictures, who—over the course of their entire history, before and after Battlefield Earth–seemed to specialize in rescuing projects in development hell (The Boondock Saints, A Sound of Thunder) and helping to realize vanity projects for stars past their prime (3000 Miles to Graceland, Get Carter).

When asked, “What do you want this movie to be?” Travolta more than likely responded, “This should be like Star Wars.” It stands to reason, right? This film is trying so hard to be Star Wars. That may be explained by the hiring of Roger Christian as director, who was riding high as the second unit director of the previous year’s Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. It also explains the opening crawl, the Death Star trench run sequence, and the rumors that Travolta was really the one in charge of the project (poor Christian actually came from one ego-mad 1970s icon’s crappy sci-fi movie to another’s).

Long story short, the movie is shot while Franchise Pictures squeezes some money out of foreign investors in exchange for the European distribution rights. Evidently, said distribution rights were forced on these investors as part of a package deal for two other movies. And then the money was embezzled. Sure sounds like Franchise knew this was a bad movie and tried to make a quick buck off it, hoping the blinding awfulness of the film would explain the huge loss of investment.

In this theory of mine (which is supplemented by already-concluded court proceedings), it seems the movie would have been pretty bad no matter what. However, the inclusion of Christian’s inexperienced direction, Travolta’s ego, Franchise using the picture as a front for fraud, and the fact that the script is based off a terrible story by a terrible storyteller is what makes this a horrendous exercise in audience torture, rather than just a kind-of crap Star Wars wannabe.

PRIME SUSPECTS

We really have this one locked down already (as far as the actions/events that killed the movie), but I pride myself on how thoroughly I lay blame for these cinematic travesties. So…let’s list everything out to be sure.

Roger Christian is a terrible director. In the interest of checking him for mental discrepancies, I listened to Christian’s commentary track for the film. I honestly can’t tell if his unbridled enthusiasm for Battlefield Earth is a.) him lying through his teeth to avoid pissing off anybody he worked with, b.) him being a good sport and showing future employers that he’s a team player, or c.) he’s mentally unstable and truly thinks this film is great work worthy of celebration.

Whatever the case, it’s clear that Christian was trying his hardest amidst a bat-shit crazy situation. He speaks fondly about his ideas, his favorite moments…awful results aside, he was happy to get the gig. While you absolutely can blame him for the Dutch angles, the color filters, the George Lucas editing, and the abundance of slow-motion, you can only chock it up to a basic misunderstanding of filmmaking techniques by someone who was taught by George Lucas and was being henpecked by a lead actor who doesn’t know shit about filmmaking. Oh, by the way: his explanation for the angles was “comic books are all framed at that odd angle,” the color filters were mostly present to “differentiate between the Psychlo breathing atmosphere and the human one,” and you should just think of Barry Pepper as Luke Skywalker. Because that’s exactly who he is, according to Christian.

Okay, Travolta…I can’t blame Travolta for this. I just can’t. Travolta is kind of a nut, sure. He was slavishly devoted to Hubbard’s dumb-as-fuck text, okay. But he wanted this movie to kick ass. You can tell how excited he is to be a part of it. And the story goes that he originally wanted to play Johnnie “Goodboy” Tyler back when he was young enough. But he had the good sense to realize that he was too old and paunchy, and that he makes a better moustache-twirling villain than earnest hero. This shows that at very least Travolta isn’t completely unbalanced or conclusively blinded by his ego beyond the realm of good taste.

From the circumstances of Battlefield Earth, I’d peg Travolta as more of the victim. After all, some wretched little shit must have told him that they could make a good movie out of that rancid novel. That’s a lie. Someone also told him that people were going to like it. That’s a lie. Someone even managed to con him out of $800,000 of his Look Who’s Talking sequel money (I’m only guessing as to where his savings originated, but I’d bet I got it pretty accurately). Did he contribute? Yes, in the same way that a bank teller contributes to an armed robbery.

As far as the writing goes, I’ll dispel any ill will to J.D. Shapiro, who in 2010 made a lengthy and hilarious public apology for his involvement in Battlefield Earth. Not only did the apology clear up some questions regarding the script (“My script was very, VERY different than what ended up on the screen. My screenplay was darker, grittier and had a very compelling story with rich characters. What my screenplay didn’t have was slow motion at every turn, Dutch tilts, campy dialogue, aliens in KISS boots, and everyone wearing Bob Marley wigs.”).

This explanation, along with Shapiro’s in-person acceptance of the Razzie award for Worst Screenplay, also paints a picture of a writer who got jerked around and ultimately fired from the project when he didn’t conform enough to Hubbard’s vision of what Battlefield Earth should be as a movie. Apparently, even with his being dead for quite some time, Hubbard’s notes on the hypothetical movie adaptation of his novel took precedence over Shapiro’s slight alterations (which, I can only assume, were necessary to tone back the tin-foil-hat craziness and pre-teen fan-fiction level of awkwardness from the novel).

I guess that just leaves Franchise Pictures, particularly the production company’s founder Elie Samaha. I point him out specifically for several reasons. One, he was fingered as the asshole who demanded that Battlefield Earth’s distribution and budgetary investment be “packaged” with other, less crappy movies, and two is that I doubt the poor schmucks working in the mail room at the time were getting any of that missing budget money.

The deciding factor is that Franchise Pictures made this movie happen (a big mistake), then contributed to the killing blows of hiring Christian and giving Travolta free reign (a malicious act), and then removed any possibility of quality results by skimming the budget of a huge sci-fi action project by almost half (essentially pissing on the corpse of the already-totally-fucked movie). This last action is so gratuitously evil, as they unleashed the worst movie possible given the circumstances and even had the balls to freely use it as a shitty little scam. This took any possible artistry right out of the moviemaking process.

I believe in the possible rehabilitation of those responsible for wrongful cinema. I give Joel Schumacher and Akiva Goldsman forgiveness even. But that’s because these folks are typically trying to create something. Possibly something that can be called art. But Samaha and his co-conspirators at Franchise Pictures had no such aspiration, and now we have this movie.

Franchise went bankrupt and ended up responsible for reimbursing investors over $100 million. They deserve the gas chamber…at a 45-degree angle.

Leverage.

Music Credits

Theme From Star Trek – Tenacious D

Mr. Spock – Nerf Herder

Both Sides Now – Leonard Nimoy

The U.S.S. Make Shit Up – Voltaire

Mr. Tambourine Man – William SHatner

Music Credits

When You’re Older – Jenny Mayhem

Don’t Pull Your Love Out On Me Baby - Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds

Cantina Band – Paul F. Tompkins & Scott Aukerman

Midnight Confessions – The Grassroots

Closing Time – Steve Metcalf & Sophie Bird

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Music:
“Silver Dragon’s Bubbles” by COUCOU